Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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