i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
do nipples grow back?
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