He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
why do cheetos always look like penises
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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