Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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