you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Randomize
