how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
