If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
