my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
