I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
