I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
