last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
