I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Randomize
