I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
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