He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
You pole danced in your parka.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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