I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
