I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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