just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
