Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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