I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
