and you said cock pushups were impossible
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
