she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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