this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
