Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
