He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
