Michael Bay diarrhea
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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