Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
