Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
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he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
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And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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