I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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