I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
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In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
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I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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