remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
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Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
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Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
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