He disabled his match.com account in front of me
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
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