im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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