it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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