I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
dude. I can hear the air.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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