last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
