I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Randomize
