I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Randomize
