My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
