I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
