dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
