Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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