My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
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At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
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BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
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