I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
