the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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