Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
