I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
