my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
