He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
