Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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