It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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