Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
