why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
