You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
